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Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in Toby Mays' LiveJournal:

Thursday, February 15th, 2001
8:07 pm
Bill the ape - a love story
Everyone can look back on their lives and see strange intersections where you could have gone either way...and wondered what the outcome could have been. This isn't about that. This is about Bill. Bill is an ape at the Sequoia zoo, right down the road from me here in Eureka. Bill is the focal point around which all things that make me the person I am are focused. If it wasn't for Bill I may not even exist...and if I did exist I may have been any of a billion other people. Lived a trillion other lives. Next time you're at the zoo, looking at Bill, think about me and the story I'm about to tell.

There once was a blonde haired little thirteen year old girl on a field trip to the zoo with her church's youth group. Like all little girls of that time she was dressed in a pretty little girly dress. And she was extra happy that day because the whole group had got together at the zoo to celebrate her birthday. All her friends were there from her church along with dozens of kids from other local churches. She was the belle of that day's ball. Bill the ape hit her in the face with a ball of poop. What are the odds of that happening? Anyway, the little girl was inconsullible until a young man several years older then her offered to give her a ride home in his new car so she could change. The little girl had seen the boy around before...at some of the youth meetings, but she had never talked to him. But, now she had ape-poop on her shirt. She wasn't happy. She accepted the ride from the older boy. Two years later they got married. This is how my parents met.

So what if Bill had controlled his bowels that day? What if his diet had been a little less fibrous? What if my mother and father had never met? Who would I be today if it wasn't for a ball of well-aimed poop?

I am a direct product of poop. Shit. A fecal love bomb, you could say.

Whenever I go to the zoo and see Bill, I wonder if he knows what he had done. Like all apes, his eyes have that modicum of intelligence that makes you wonder. Mind you, I don't stick around if he starts rolling things up in his hands.

I'am from Shit. I'am from a series of coincidences better suited for an episode of Sienfeld. I was a bowel movement away from never existing. What a fragile mistress coincidence is. Bill is my godfather in a way. His stinky hands brought together the genetic codes that meshed and swirled to make me. Whenever I think of this I'am humbled and a bit ashamed at the way I worry about my future wife. If God and Bill can get together two complete strangers like that with so few tools, then I need to not try so hard to find my special love. Like shit through Bill's hand she will come to me.

Come to me, Baby.

Current Mood: Shit is good...
Wednesday, February 7th, 2001
10:37 pm
Personal Ad

Hello, I'm 5'7", 175 lbs., blonde hair and blue eyes. I have a cowlick I inherited from my grandfather so I grew it out long. I usually have it braided or else I look like an ugly fat girl or a Great-White-Lion_Snake reject 80's metal geek. I once saw my sister eat a bologna sandwich that had been sitting in an outhouse for two weeks, interesting but not very appetizing. I exclusively date lesbians who are experimenting, ultimately the experiment goes horribly wrong and they realize why they don't date men. I'm looking for a woman with a good job who doesn't mind supporting a man who has problems with commitment and bathing. I'm an anti-vegan, I eat only meat products and am working on a new line of meat salads and fruits...the resultant healthy glow of my pasty slick skin has made me very popular amongst the local goth scene. Though they've stopped collecting my skin flakes because of that STD I got from my cat. My bottom is round and jiggles like a girls, especially when I'm carrying lots of water balloons. I wear glasses, but only when I shower. I'm a taker...even in bed, I like to take long naps after coitus leaving you plenty of time to recover from the shock, gather your wits and...usually, quietly slip out. For some reason, I rub people in Idaho the wrong way...it may be the jealousy over the beautiful potato-like lumps on my head. Some of my hobbies are picking gum off my chest and looking into my toilet tank for life insights. My shoes stink, but only when they are on my feet. So if you, your sister or both of you wanna get it on with a self-proclaimed human whoopie cushion please email me. Please, no men, unless you have boobs and a vagina...or lots of money...or a nice butt.

Current Mood: anti-horny
Friday, January 26th, 2001
9:44 pm
Haunted Toilet
I go in, I pee, I flush. Clear water rushes into the bowl chasing away this afternoons Snapple. Now, clear water in my toilet is a novelty itself, up till yesterday I thought my water had a bad rust problem, but it ends up I just needed to clean it. I pee, I flush, there goes last hours wine followed by crystal clear healthy looking toilet water. I pee, I flush, this hours wine is followed by BLUE water! Wadda! Blue. Um, what the hell is this? Ghost of Tidy-bowl drop-in past? I aint put one of those fancy blue toilet things in for months, yet, alas, there is blue water. Is my toilet trying to tell me something? I flush for months...nada. This creeped me out...for a second I thought I'd had too much wine, but that can't be it. I flushed it again...clear. And again, clear. And agai...what the fuck? Blue? Now, I'm a blue fan as much as the next guy, but I don't like the idea of it randomly popping up in my toilet, though I'd rather the water was blue AFTER I flushed as opposed to me playing aim-the-blue-stream with my little man. Blue? Hmmm, this needed some investigating so I pried the top thing off and looked. Oh, my gawd (whispered)..."I see dead blue toilet thingy's". Piles and piles of corroded and sad looking wafer shaped toilet baubles...all blue. The horror! The inhumanity! The icky cloud of ooze that waifed from the mess. Where do wornout cleanser wads go when they are needed no more? They huddle for warmth sadly in my toilet. I was moved...it was an epiphany-ish moment. Will I be a used up old tidy-bowl cleanser chunk forced to huddle sadly in the corner of life's big toilet bowl when I'm a washed up old man? Oh, I may be spewing blue at every flush now, but what about when I've no more blue for this toilet bowl of life, what about when all I have to offer is colorless ooze? And yet, within that dark mass of decaying cleanser, one of them gave out that last little poo of blue just to draw attention to itself. I was touched...moved even. I felt an urge to reach down into that bowl and gather all those hard working globules of yesterdays fresh scented toilet bowls and give them all a hug. But, I'm not a dweeb, so instead I went and bought another one to add to the collection. Well, maybe I'm a dweeb but I won't go reaching into toilet bowls. Well, there was that one time in preschool...but I was just experimenting...everyone was doing it.

Everyone who thinks I'm a nut...please raise your hand so I'm not the only one standing here with my hand raised.

Current Mood: religious
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